By Joanne //
I never imagined myself writing on a platform that raises awareness for mental health issues, because in my mind mental health had such a stigma. But the truth is, there is no shame in having/having had a mental disorder. In a way, it is just our brains falling sick. And since National Eating Disorders Awareness Week just happened, I am going to talk about my journey.
Accepting and admitting that I had some kind of eating disorder, or disordered eating, was tough because I never felt skinny enough. But the truth is, even if I were skinny enough, I would (probably) never feel like I was. Because it is an endless pursuit, an obsession over numbers – the numbers on the scale, the numbers on your calorie counter, the numbers on your fitness tracker, the numbers on the treadmill, the numbers on the clock, the numbers on the measuring tape… You get the idea.
But four years since I came to terms with myself, I haven’t let my weight slip below what was healthy, I have gone weeks of being completely sedentary, I have eaten food off my previously forbidden list (think cakes, fries etc.), and other foods I never thought I would ever taste again. I have consumed spontaneous meals, pre-meals, post-meals; I have survived binges with zero compensatory activity. I have kept myself off compulsive body checking (think weighing myself at least 7x a day). I have completely accepted my weight.
But this is the result of pure struggle. Years of yo-yo-ing between being all about recovery, and all about relapsing. It was months of cooping myself up in the gym, and weeks of enjoying food and socialising. It was days of self-resentment manifested in angry red lines and white rims of the toilet bowls, and also hours of pampering myself with massages and manicures. It was up, up and ups, and down, down and downs.
But keep going. For those who feel stuck, lost and tired, keep going.
When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re making a change, you are growing. And someday all the growth will give way to the rejuvenation you need.
I wish I could tell you that things will miraculously get better overnight, that you will wake up one fine day and the struggles will be over. But, no. Some days you will just have to suck it up, bite the bullet, and just do it.
I know it is not as easy as just eating. I know it is more than just putting food into your mouth and body. It is having to deal with the cacophony of words inside your mind, the racing thoughts screaming fat and worthless and failure.
But I also know that on the other side lies times where food will just be food, and not fat, protein, carbs or calories. On the other side lies ice cream and pancakes and fries and burgers. On the other side lies freedom and strength and beauty.
So, fight on. Cry if you have to, and if one meal is all you can manage right now, then one meal it will be.
Be kind to yourself. One bite at a time, and you will look up and realise you are already there.
Joanne is a fresh psychology graduate with a deep passion for mental health issues. She believes that mental health issues should be addressed in society and there is no shame in having one