By Jeremy L. //
*Content warning: this story mentions self-harm, suicide and suicidal ideation. If you’re in need of support, please get help here.*
Many people knew me as strong, hardworking and determined. Until everything changed in late October 2018.
It started with having difficulties falling asleep, to having negative thoughts and suicidal ideations, to self-harm and then actually attempting suicide. To this day, I have the scars of my first suicide attempt at the age of 17. For another four years, I was in and out of the hospital psychiatric ward as I attempted suicide multiple times. Once I felt that I had nothing left to lose, I could do anything; that was a terrifying thought.
Since then, I have undergone multiple sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (rTMS), Intranasal Esketamine (SpravatoTM). I am currently on 11 different prescriptions.
Over these past four years, I have learnt so much about myself. Neither anybody I knew nor any of my family members have had any sort of mental illness. Family and friends around you can leave a huge impact on your road to recovery. I’ve learnt to appreciate and enjoy simple joys such as having my favourite food for lunch and spending time with friends.
// I had met many individuals who were just like me, battling with their own inner demons and that made me feel less alone in this journey. //
Unexpectedly, many close friendships have ended but some still stuck by me to this day and I am grateful for them.
I have also learnt many things about mental illness and its stigma. I was surprised that many people knew nothing about mental illness and how detrimental it can be. So, I decided to document and share information, medication and therapy on my own social media platform, though I do not have a huge following. I am more than happy to acknowledge that the few people who view my stuff have found it useful to better communicate and deal with people with mental illnesses.
// As harsh as it sounds, the road to recovery will never be smooth sailing. There will be moments when you feel as though you are on the right track to getting better, but there are also moments when you feel like your efforts in getting better are pointless. //
If you find it hard to plan your future, please know that it is ok. If you are struggling to live, live your life month by month, if not week by week, and if not day by day. You never know what tomorrow might have in store for you.
If you or someone you know is going through a difficult time, be there for them, check up on them. Do acts of kindness, just simple acts. It does not have to be a dramatic or an overbearing act of kindness like: “is there anything I can do for you? Is there a programme I can get you in, can I do something to make you feel better? How can I help you?” Instead say, “Hey would you like to have a meal together? Let’s watch a movie.”
Treat them like a regular person. Because when someone treats you like a person when you feel like you’re barely existing, it will change their entire world.
If you see someone who needs that love, give it to them. Even the ones who seem least lovable because they might need it the most. It’ll help you as much as it’ll help them. Look at that person as he’s your friend, like he’s part of the fold. Show him that’s it’s just another Tuesday. Show him that he is worth it. Show him that he can exist in this pain even though it’s intense, that at the end of it, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for reading my story and I hope you get the help you so desperately need. You are not alone.
Jeremy is turning 20 and has been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
Read more of our Tapestry Stories here.