By Michelle L. //
It started when I was 15. I remembered feeling like there was something eating away at my very core, and that I was always crying and nauseous. After two years of skipping school and isolating myself, I was diagnosed with major depression. I was relieved that, finally, there was help. However, all that the antidepressants did were to elevate my mood. I still could not concentrate or focus. I could not socialise. When the psychiatrist asked me how I was, all I said was that I was ‘okay’. I did not know what to say except ‘okay’. I mean, I was no longer crying every day, who cared if I could not concentrate at school? I did not realise that I might have been experiencing the prodromal symptoms of psychosis, where my cognition and affect were first affected.
I started drinking when I turned 18. I did not know that I should not drink alcohol while I was taking antidepressants. I also stayed up late to watch comedies as an escape from my negative feelings and thus, did not sleep well. One day, while I was watching videos on my laptop, I heard a voice talking to me. It sounded like it was coming from the multi-storey carpark behind my HDB flat. I started to feel drowsy, and I felt like there were thoughts being inserted into my head, like inaudible suggestions whispered by an invisible person beside me. I got a shock when I left my house to meet my friend . The moment I reached the bus stop, it seemed as if everybody was pointing at me. Their body language seemed to be sending secret signals to me that I could not decipher. I started to think that people were following me in cars when I was outside, and that these people would spy on me by parking at the carpark behind my flat. Eventually, I was brought to the hospital when I attempted to dash across the road when the traffic light was red, thinking that the cars would not knock me down.
The thing about early psychosis is that the ‘inserted thoughts’ seemed like your own thoughts and you therefore believe in them easily. These ‘inserted thoughts’ would eventually progress into hallucinatory voices that were audible to the sufferer.
After my diagnosis of psychosis, my treatment for depression took a back seat. In fact, I was only taking antipsychotic medication between 18 to 25 years of age. On my part, I did not accept that I had a brain disorder and that I had to be on medication to live a functional life. I rejected antidepressants . Thus, recovery was hard, and I tried to rely on my willpower to function in school and in my personal life. However, I did not recognise that I was depressed even when the antipsychotic medications kept the hallucinatory voices at bay.
My quality of life was poor, and I often could not focus at school or attend my classes. I was also sleepy due to the side effects of the antipsychotics and was prone to losing control of my emotions. I did not take my antipsychotics every day because deep down, I believed that I could recover through sheer willpower. I also gained a lot of weight while on the medications, and I was reluctant to continue taking them.
In 2016, I had a relapse as I had forgotten to take my medication while I was on an overseas trip. After I was discharged from the hospital, I was very confused over what had transpired. My uncle then showed me a video of myself in the acute phase of psychosis when I was in the hospital. He had taken the video because I had not been acting like myself. It was horrifying to watch the video as I was very aggressive, and the worst thing was, I had absolutely no recollection of acting that way or saying the vicious things that came out of my mouth. At that moment, I had to accept that I had a medical condition. I felt that my world had fallen apart, and I felt so scared when I thought about how I was to survive in the big world out there with such a brain disorder.
I coped by researching my condition and reading books written by experts, as well as by people who experienced mental health issues. I slowly gained an awareness of the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder and the signs of relapse.
I coped by researching my condition and reading books written by experts, as well as by people who experienced mental health issues. I slowly gained an awareness of the symptoms of schizoaffective disorder and the signs of relapse. I also realised that I was constantly depressed, and I spoke to my psychiatrist about it. My psychiatrist prescribed me a low dose of antidepressants on top of my antipsychotics.
Slowly but surely, I started to feel better, and I was able to gain a higher function of life in the form of higher energy levels and greater concentration. I was also able to interact with people for longer periods of time without feeling exhausted. I went for cognitive behaviour therapy and counselling to help me better manage my thoughts and feelings, and also started to exercise every other day. Exercise really helps me to feel more motivated and it minimises the residual voices that I sometimes hear at night before I sleep.
Recovery is a lifelong process. Even when you are on medications, you will still experience ups and downs like everyone else. The most important thing is to learn how to bounce back from whatever life dishes out. Also, it is important to learn about yourself and the problems you face (for me, a brain disorder), and never give up on finding solutions and ways to improve your quality of life. Even though I was in denial and suffered from relapses before I accepted my circumstances, deep down, I know that it is never too late to accept yourself, and I am thankful that today, I no longer hear voices and I am no longer depressed.
Michelle likes to read and write. She is a listener and enjoys listening to people as well as taking walks as she relaxes with nature as her background music. She cannot decide if she is a cat person or a dog person.
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