By Rachel //
Eat to live? Or live to eat?
I fall in the latter camp. In my head, all foods – expensive or cheap, good or bad, always ended up in the same place – the toilet bowl. My relationship with food has never been the best. As someone who spent a decade in a girls’ school, I’ve always been aware of social bias towards skinnier girls. Skinner girls were seemingly more attractive, and had an easier time making friends. I was also constantly surrounded by friends embarking on the newest diet fads or feeling sad about their relatives calling them “fat”.
I found myself dieting at different points in my life. From not eating food during recess to eating one meal per day, my secret agenda was to lose weight and hopefully achieve my ideal body type.
My relationship with food went on a downward spiral after I had finished my A-levels.
A combination of the COVID-19 pandemic and the national exam meant that I was constantly stress eating and led a sedentary lifestyle, resulting in me gaining 10kg in a few months. Suddenly, people were paying attention to my body in a way they never had before. I was distraught that I could no longer fit into my clothes and the comments made about my appearance didn’t make things better.
Food had become the enemy.
I stopped snacking. I started working out every day. Meals became painful as I did not have the mindset to enjoy what was on my plate. I have a suspicion that my tendency to gobble my food (as I didn’t want to “waste time” on eating) hurt my gastric system as well. Yet, nothing I did seemed to help me.
It was only when I started university when things began to change. I had little experience in the kitchen at this point, so I was eating takeout every day. However, the food we dabao is often oilier and greasier than a home-cooked meal. During my first year, the meals I enjoyed the most were the healthy, home-cooked meals my mother would specially prepare for me when I was home for the weekend.
This got me thinking: What if I could eat home-cooked meals every day?
I’ve always been a workaholic. Thus, the excitement of university and doing a degree I loved made me constantly busy, never having time to rest. The concept of self-care was foreign to me, even though it was something my body desperately needed. Sure, I would watch a show or two occasionally, but it didn’t feel like a sustainable method of self-caring. My psychiatrist recommended me to find a way to self-care if I wanted to keep up my lifestyle in the long term. After all, not giving myself a break would ultimately lead to lower productivity, which was something I wanted to avoid.
Thus, I picked up a spatula and never looked back. I began cooking and meal prepping daily, and unexpectedly fell in love with the whole process.
My home kitchen had too many rules, meaning that I had little freedom to explore cooking for myself. Now that I was living in a college dormitory, I learnt everything from scratch all on my own.
Nowadays, cooking has become the one thing I look forward to every day. Chopping vegetables is therapeutic, and it’s always exciting to eat something you’ve made yourself. Unlike my other hobbies like reading and writing, cooking is not related to anything I’vestudied in school at all. This distinct separation from my studies finally made me feel like I had a self-care method to call my own.
When it comes to self-care, one of the most difficult things is creating a routine. Though we know that self-care is crucial, it may seem difficult to include it in our daily lives, especially if we’re busy and used to brushing off the importance of self-care. I initially had some difficulties incorporating cooking into my life as it sometimes felt more convenient to laze in bed or simply order takeout. While the first couple of weeks were difficult, I managed to create a consistent routine by reminding myself of how happy I would be with the result of my cooking.
Another thing that helped me develop cooking as a self-care habit was having goals. pecifically, my goals often revolved around making the perfect ramen eggs, soft-boiled eggs and scrambled eggs. Since every carton of eggs is different, I’m constantly experimenting with creating the perfect eggs. The process is a little like a budget, edible blind box toy. The mystery of how my eggs will turn out is what keeps this goal exciting and keeps me coming back to cooking for more.
An unintentional benefit that has come with preparing my own meals is that I have been saving money as well. Takeout is expensive, especially with the GST hike. Thus, cooking has accidentally made me feel better about my spending habits. Another thing that cooking has helped me with is learning to portion my food appropriately to prevent overeating. Even though it feels good in the moment when the cai fan (economic rice) uncle is generous with their portions, I often find myself stuffed with food as I’m someone who refuses to waste any. Thus, cooking has made me feel better about my eating habits as well.
Unlike before, when I wasn’t too mindful about the food I consumed, I now look forward to the pockets of time in the day when I get to sit down with a nutritious meal I created with my hard work.
Self-care doesn’t necessarily constitute bubble baths and manicures but can be low-cost activities that are already part of one’s daily life (e.g. cooking & eating, doing laundry). Self-care can simply be an activity that enhances your quality of life slightly to make busy city life more bearable.
Of course, I’m not a chef, nor did I ever imagine myself enjoying the act of meal prepping and cooking. Yet, it’s an accidental find that has improved my mood greatly. If you want to find a self-care routine, just try something new – you may just stumble upon a method that works for you!
Rachel is a university student who is deeply passionate about mental health advocacy. Besides writing, she dabbles in photography and enjoys curling up in bed with a book.
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Illustration by Ethan.