By Joy Hou //
“I just get so angry when she says she will call and then doesn’t,” said Celine about her good friend.
Her husband Dave responded, “Darling, it’s such as a small matter, why are you always getting upset about these trivial things?”
Inevitably, Celine got even more frustrated, leading to another one of many similar conflicts that she has with her husband. On the other hand, Dave felt helpless; he loved Celine and he had thought he was trying to placate her. He did not realise that his seemingly innocuous response had again caused Celine to feel unsupported. She had perceived Dave’s response as cold, uncaring and even judgmental. Though Dave loved his wife, he had failed to show empathy towards her.
What Celine and Dave experienced is a common scenario to many people. When our empathy is less developed, we may unintentionally come across as thoughtless, cold and insensitive.
Definition of empathy
Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and feel what another person is experiencing. It is a key element of emotional intelligence, and is a necessary and important component of any relationship.
It is important to note that empathy is distinct from the emotions of sympathy. When one expresses sympathy, he or she essentially feels sorry or pity for someone in trouble or distress. Empathy, on the other hand, involves feeling what that person is going through, understanding the emotion, and responding appropriately to it.
There are two subtypes of empathy: emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. Emotional empathy is the ability to pick up on other people’s emotions and respond with an appropriate emotion. For instance, persons with emotional empathy feel happy and excited when their friend gets a job promotion; if their friend receives a piece of sad news, they feel upset for them.
Cognitive empathy, also known as “perspective taking,” refers to the ability to understand what is going on in the minds of others, without necessarily feeling his or her emotions. Someone with cognitive empathy is able to focus on where another person is coming from, and can rationally understand how others see the world.
Importance of empathy
Empathy, a bedrock social skill, is an essential component of any relationship or social group. It helps one to develop deep levels of trust and rapport with others. Studies have shown that empathy is associated with better personal relationships and more successful social behaviour. Heinz Kohut, a psychoanalyst, proposed that “the empathic understanding of the experience of other human beings is as basic an endowment of man as his vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell.”
According to psychologist Daniel Goleman and other researchers, empathy has been identified as a core component of emotional intelligence, and a predictor of success at work. For instance, health professionals who demonstrate high levels of empathy tend to get better adherence to treatment from their patients and better patient outcomes. Leaders who show empathy at work demonstrate respect and care for their co-workers, helping them to feel a part of a team and increase morale and loyalty. A study conducted by the Center for Creatively Leadership which investigated 6731 leaders from 38 countries, found that there is a positive link between empathy and job performance.
5 ways to develop empathy
Empathy is a skill that can be developed, and as with any skill, our ability to empathize with others can be improved with practice. Here are 5 ways to help us develop empathy:
- Fine tune our nonverbal observation skills
Daniel Goleman, in his book, Social Intelligence, states that “the more sharply attentive we are, the more keenly we will sense another person’s inner state.” In our interactions with others, we can try to read their emotions through looking out for subtle changes in their facial expressions or body language. Most people have a capacity to recognize each other’s emotions, though some of us are less naturally skilled at it. This capacity can be improved with practice. For instance, we can start by looking for signs that others are experiencing an emotion. Non-verbal signs can include body postures and facial expressions while other signs include the content of what they say, and their tone of voice.
One way to practise our nonverbal observation skills is through people-watching in a public place, such as in a café, where we can observe random individuals and try to read their moods. Another way to further develop our nonverbal observation skills is to watch TV dramas with the volume turned off, and interpret what each character is feeling from their body language and facial expressions. In addition to these, we can also look out for online resources or books on the topic of body language.
- Withhold judgement and consider others’ point of view
Very often, we have a tendency to make quick judgements about others, especially when meeting someone for the first time. However, it is important to withhold our judgment, as this is a very crucial step towards being empathetic. It is difficult show empathy when we assume our way of thinking and doing things is the only acceptable or correct way.
We can start to practice considering others’ point of view by first recognizing the importance and uniqueness of people, treat them with due respect, and see them as individuals with strengths and limitations, values and varied experiences. We can also take time to challenge and analyse our own existing prejudices, biases and assumptions, as most of these are based on erroneous information.
In addition, it is important that we try to be non-judgmental and open-minded when faced with a new perspective, and without immediately determining whether it is good or bad. Considering another point of view does not mean that we are agreeing with everything about it. By taking time to gain a deeper understanding of another perspective, we are developing empathy towards others. We can learn other possible perspectives by reading accounts or biographies of people and interacting with people from different backgrounds and walks of life.
- Learn to get in touch with our own emotions
Many people who are out of touch with their own emotions may have difficulty with emotional empathy. Some of them may have learned to repress their emotions while growing up. For instance, they were raised to believe that men should be tough and not show emotions, or had lived with a family where any outward demonstration of emotions was treated with scorn. Some individuals may also have learned to push away strong emotions, rather than manage them properly.
To get in touch with our emotions, we can get into the habit of asking ourselves at random times throughout the day, “How am I feeling at this moment?” This act of checking in with ourselves, increases our self-awareness. When we are aware that we are experiencing an emotion, try not to push it away. We can try to notice what is happening to our body, such as clenched jaws, slumped shoulders or tense muscles. These physical sensations will help us to recognize when we are feeling a similar emotion in future.
Whenever we are having an emotion, we can also try to observe whether this particular emotion is masking another underlying emotion. For instance, beneath the emotion of sadness could be other emotions such as anger or worry.
- Active listening
Simply listening to a person is one of the most helpful and effective ways which we can demonstrate empathy. However, very often, many of us have the tendency to offer unsolicited advice. Statements such as “losing your job is not so bad, at least you still have your family” do not help the other person to feel supported. Instead, before we speak, we need to first listen, and try to imagine and understand how the other person is feeling.
When we are practicing active listening, try to maintain good and appropriate eye contact. We also do not allow ourselves to get distracted – by our phones, or by other thoughts or tasks. When distracted, we can bring ourselves back to the present by saying, “I wonder if you can repeat what you just said, so I do not miss anything important.” Further, we can indicate we are listening by giving nonverbal acknowledgements, such as head nodding, matching facial expressions and having an open and relaxed body posture. We can also invite the other person to share more, by saying “tell me more”, or “I’d love to hear about this”.
Another active listening skill is to paraphrase what the person is saying. This indicates that we are paying attention to what is being said. Further, one other way to demonstrate empathy is to reflect the feelings of the person, for instance, “sounds like you are feeling disappointed that you didn’t get the job”, or “it seems like you are feeling very overwhelmed recently with all the extra responsibilities at work.”
- Offer Kindness
Another way to demonstrate empathy is to offer our support to the other person by asking if there are any needs we can help to fulfill. Offering help shows that we are aware of the challenges of the other person, and that we are willing to take time to make things easier for him or her. This could include simple kind gestures such as getting a cup of coffee for a colleague who is feeling stressed, or giving a car ride to a neighbour and her three young children to the nearby mall.
Remember, empathy, like any skill, can be learned. Take time to practise the above ways, to develop empathy.
Joy Hou is a registered psychologist and Founder of EmpathyWorks Psychological Wellness. She provides counselling services for children, teens and young adults, and also conducts talks and workshops on topics related to emotional and mental wellness.
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