By Claire //
Depression, in some ways, is anaesthesia. The numbness protects me from pain, but at the same time, it prevents me from feeling the full spectrum of emotions, from utilising my full range of faculties. Soon, this paralysis itself becomes another source of pain.
Depression blinds me to the colour, the wonder, the endless possibilities that this world has to offer. The problem is not merely viewing the world through the lens of depression, but forgetting that there are other lenses.
Some people say that the counterforce to depression is hope. But in my opinion, it is trust. Trust, not that things will get better, but that they aren’t necessarily as bad as you perceive them to be in the first place. Trust that your loved ones are right when they say they see value in you. Trust that just because you cannot see the colour, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
There are times, usually at night, when the world is quiet and so is my mind. I transcend into a state of higher consciousness where I gain a different perspective on life. I realise that things don’t have to be this way, that the depressing view I have of the world is only one way of looking at it. During this small window of epiphany, ideas begin to pour in, together with feelings I rarely get to experience: excitement, peace, love, gratitude. Sometimes even awe at this wondrous universe that has miraculously, by some happenstance, brought into existence you and me. I realise that as long as I am here, there’s still so much to do and learn and explore, that life is limitless.
Then, it occurs to me that this is how a “normal”, healthy human being gets to live every day. For me, this “normality” is a luxury. It feels unfair that I am being deprived of an experience that the majority of people take for granted, the experience of being free of mental illness. It is unfair. But these momentary glimpses of normality remind me that things aren’t always as bad as I think they are. And for the times that I don’t get to see it, I will simply have to trust.
Claire is a 21-year-old psychology diploma student who struggles with depression and OCD. She hopes to use her experiences and voice to inspire others, as well as to end the stigma surrounding mental illness.
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