By Amanda //
I am a person in recovery from mixed anxiety-depression, a fancy term for a brilliant assassin.
Many know me as a role model student, but very few know of the unimaginable battles I have fought behind closed doors. Growing up, I was used to a dysfunctional household – a mother struggling with schizophrenia, frequent conflicts between my parents, and high academic expectations from my grandfather. As I outgrew my primary school years, it began to dawn on me that my chaotic home was far from normal.
Soon, a series of health crises compounded the chaos. In Secondary 2, my father suffered a transient ischemic attack due to high blood pressure and cholesterol levels. In Secondary 4, my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, and my father with coronary artery disease which almost required a bypass surgery. In between these crises, my mother had frequent schizophrenia relapses, numbering more than I could keep track. That same year, my grandmother fell and fractured her hip.
This series of unfortunate events and the pressure to perform well academically gave birth to my anxiety. I became imprisoned in a state of hypervigilance. My life was not about living, but survival. I took it upon myself to be a superhero who had to salvage whatever was left of my broken family. “Dad, stop snacking and start exercising!” I’d command. “Mom, take your medicine now!” I’d yell. Inside of me lay a helpless child naively yet desperately trying to prevent more misfortunes.
But the fortunate truth about unfortunate events is that they all come to pass. Now, the last opponent that stands in my court is mixed anxiety-depression. This manifests as somatic stomachaches that have cost me several missed school days. I have even shut down during exams due to overwhelming anxiety which resulted in underwhelming grades – S’s and U’s. My subthreshold depression makes me hypersensitive to remarks and easily tearful. Once triggered, it can mean functioning at a 40% to 50% level for days on end.
My heart feels imprisoned, my limbs feel chained, and my wings feel clipped. I used to be a high achiever who attained Edusave scholarships and had little trouble with my studies. Since getting diagnosed, I have been struggling with basic functioning and academics feel like a burden on top of my mental condition. I am also no stranger to self-harm and suicidal thoughts when faced with major triggers. This last opponent is truly ruthless and formidable.
I am now working on keeping this opponent at bay by taking antidepressants, exercising, getting adequate sleep, journalling, socialising, and seeing mental health professionals. With the exception of medication, strategies for keeping this opponent in check are not too different from self-care. It is just that while self-care is an option for healthy individuals, it is a must for individuals suffering mental illness in order to function on a day-to-day basis. I keep myself as active as possible to stack the odds in my favour in this battle.
For those who struggle with mental illness, it is unfortunate that there is no straightforward antidote to our suffering. However, I want you to know that it is still worthwhile to dream and work towards those dreams.
Although it may often feel like fighting a losing battle, let us fight on. We may take longer to reach our destination, but that is okay as long as we never stop. We can’t always win, but we can choose to struggle with dignity.
I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has supported me as I battle against this last opponent. I have been blessed with the support of teachers and school leaders before major examinations – the ‘O’ Level and ‘A’ Level. Because of you, I have a reason to fight fiercely and live beautifully.
Amanda is a 20 year-old student who has recently completed her ‘A’ Level and is looking to pursue a Bachelor of Accountancy. Having received support from her former teachers, she believes in passing on their kindness and compassion to other struggling youths.
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