By Kevin W. //
A healthy mindset (a belief or way of thinking) is crucial to positive mental health.
Why? Because our beliefs largely influence our emotions and responses to stressors. Yet, due to flawed guidance and societal pressures, we subconsciously develop dangerous mindsets that sabotage our potential. When left unchecked, they could lead to more serious mental health conditions.
To combat this, raising self-awareness is a good step. Here are three common dangerous mindsets and healthier alternatives:
- The “I am a failure” mindset
Assume you put in equal effort but fail to solve either a Rubik’s cube or a math test. Which “failure” is likely to affect you more? Probably the test. Why? The reason is the subjective value we attach to the task – “bad” grades is associated with being “inferior and “stupid”. Hence, for tasks of greater perceived “value”, we personalize failure—we think failing at a task means failing as a person. This cripples our self-esteem, and leads to other mental health challenges.
Healthier Alternative: Take failure objectively and don’t personalize it. Get rid of manufactured societal labels and perceptions—recognize that failing at a math test is no different from failing to solve a Rubik’s cube. In both cases, you didn’t fail as a person; it simply means you lack the skills to perform the task. Failure is a form of feedback—we will keep facing similar “failures” until we change ourselves. Hence, take feedback from failure, extract the lessons and fail forward.
- The “I need to be liked” mindset
When I was younger, I was often praised for my accomplishments. I yearned for praise and subtly became defined by it. Are you in a similar position where your mood is dependent on the number of Likes? Or the number of As?
This is a dangerous place to be in as your self-worth is defined by variables (your achievements and others opinions). Why? Because variables, well … vary. When I didn’t do well for my ‘A’ levels, it triggered an identity crisis, leading to a dip in self-worth and mental issues.
Healthier Alternative: Define your self-worth on constants, not variables. i.e Your God-given value and your uniqueness. You are worthy of love as you are. Do you ask a baby to do a somersault to win your love? That sounds ridiculous right? You just love it because it’s a precious life. Then why is it different when we grow older?
For myself, a key point in recovery was when I told myself: ‘Kevin, you don’t need to enter university to be successful, you’re not defined by your education level, you can make it regardless.’ The mental shift was hard to make, but once I did, it was empowering.
- The ‘all or nothing’ mindset
Also known as ‘black and white’ thinking as part of Dr David Burns’ research on common cognitive distortions. This mentality refers to thinking in extremes: either I’m a success or a failure, either I’m perfect or I don’t bother trying. People with ‘Type A’ personalities (characterized by ambition and need for control) are more prone to this mentality.
This mentality is strongly linked to depression. Why? Because it’s characterized by an obsession with perfection. And perfection is an unrealistic expectation that’ll never be met. You’re setting yourself up for intense mood swings.
Victor Frankl was a psychiatrist during the holocaust. In his landmark work Man’s Search for Meaning, he shared a story of a prisoner-of-war who believed he would be liberated by 30th Mar. He was full of hope and belief. Yet, as time passed, liberation appeared unlikely. On 29th Mar, he ran a high temperature. On 30th he became delirious and lost consciousness. On 31st Mar, he was dead. This story is an extreme, but it illustrates how the ‘all or nothing’ mentality, marked by pinning your emotions on a single expectation, can be fatal.
Healthier Alternative: Don’t interpret the world in ‘black or white’; don’t see perfection and failure as two extremes. As a Type A person, I struggled (and still do) with this a lot. A quote that helps me tremendously is ‘Strive for all you can, while being grateful for where you are”.
In our striving, we can acknowledge the present, embrace our imperfection, and let go of the need for full control. Gratitude is a powerful help. Consider creating a gratitude list and add to it daily.
Also, don’t tie your happiness/recovery to a single event. Be optimistic, but take reality into account. While recovering, I unwisely gave myself “milestones” to hit. For example, ‘I must start studying by this date’, ‘I must stop medication by this date’, etc. This actually exacerbated the situation. Why? Because, I grew more anxious when I couldn’t hit my targets. The key to recovery (as stated earlier) is letting go of perfection rather than “trying to make up for it”.
Striving for Positive Mental Health
In this competitive society, it is not uncommon to develop one or more of these mindsets. Yet, I hope this sharing has raised your self-awareness to make necessary changes. Let’s strive for positive mental health together, and empower others to do the same!
(If any of the mindsets are deep seated and causing distress, do consider seeking professional help.)
Kevin is a communications student in NTU with a heart for youth development and education. He does life skills trainings in schools and advocates mental health awareness. He writes at https://kevinweetraining.wordpress.com/
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