By Rachel //
Content warning: This article goes into an in-depth discussion about suicidal ideation.
Before I was diagnosed with depression in Secondary 3, I often found myself daydreaming when I should have been listening in class or focusing on my work, a norm for the average secondary school student. Yet, amidst these daydreams were persistent thoughts of dying. I had a morbid fascination with various fatal accidents that could occur during my commute home from school. Perhaps the drain under me would give way and I would fall to my doom, or maybe, a speeding car would crash into me before I even realised what was happening.
The funny thing is, I knew that I would never commit suicide. I simply viewed these daydreams as nice thoughts to have. I was already having difficulty getting out of my bed most mornings anyway; I certainly did not have the energy to execute such plans with the risk of me surviving and needing to face the consequences. Yet, I looked forward to these daydreams. In a twisted way, they offered me an escape from my pain and gave me hope that my suffering would finally end.
At the same time, I knew that these thoughts were inherently problematic – I shouldn’t be seeing my death as a ‘nice’ thought, nor should I be constantly thinking about dying in the first place. However, I refused to acknowledge that I needed help. I told myself that because I didn’t want to actively kill myself, I was definitely not suicidal. I rationalised that because there were others worse off than me, I didn’t deserve help.
As I got diagnosed with depression and started therapy, it dawned on me that while I wasn’t actively suicidal, I was experiencing passive suicidal ideation. Most importantly, I recognised that I shouldn’t have invalidated my emotions – passive suicidal ideation is a form of suicidal ideation. After all, we do not compare the magnitudes of suffering between a person who is drowning in the pool and the ocean; they’re both drowning and they both need help.
Passive Suicidal Ideation vs Active Suicidal Ideation
Often, it is difficult to give a black and/or white answer to the question ‘Are you suicidal?’. Most of the time, the answer is uncertain and exists on a spectrum. Passive suicidal ideation is when someone has a desire to die but don’t actively make plans to harm themselves, resorting to reliance on external circumstances to trigger their death. On the other hand, active suicidal ideation involves active plans to kill oneself and direct actions to cause one’s own death.
When people think of suicidal ideation, they usually think about active suicidal ideation rather than passive. While its active counterpart technically carries a higher risk, we should also acknowledge the dangers of passive suicidal ideation, which can sometimes morph into active suicidal ideation if untreated. No matter the intensity, these thoughts are not normal and are an indication that you need help.
Be Gentle with Yourself – You Deserve it
September is Suicide Prevention Month – a month dedicated to raise awareness of this often stigmatised topic. It is heartening to see the public’s perception of this topic slowly shift from one surrounded by taboo to one with more compassion. While there continues to be misconceptions and stigmas, we as a community are slowly improving to be kinder and more empathetic.
That said, it is discouraging to see the continued lack of resources provided to our mental health sector in spite of the fact that therapy and psychiatric services are an essential health service. Schools, workplaces and government agencies have taken the right step in introducing mental health awareness seminars. However, even though we are urged to seek help, we often are not provided with the ‘hows’. Furthermore, mental health services continue to have long waitlists, with the more accessible private clinics not being within the affordable range for the average Singaporean.
I understand that change does not happen overnight. I believe that we are already making progress in improving our mental health sector. I hope that one day, mental health services will become normalised and no longer seen as a luxury.
This Suicide Prevention Month, I want you, the reader, to think of one kind thing you can do for yourself and others today. As someone who often didn’t look out for herself, choosing to acknowledge my feelings and send myself to therapy was the first step to recovery. And I hope that we, as a community, continue to band together and make our world full of love, kindness and empathy.
And no matter what others say or how you view yourself, I want to remind you that you matter. You should be so proud of yourself for surviving 100% of your bad days thus far. I hope that you know that you deserve love. Please be gentle with yourself.
Rachel is a 19-year-old who is deeply passionate about mental health advocacy. Besides writing, she dabbles in photography and enjoys curling up in bed with a book.
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