By Felicity //
Note: This story describes life after childhood sexual abuse
I have always felt ill at ease with myself. I was afraid to be alone with myself. At some level, I knew that demons that I was ill-equipped to deal with lurked within my psyche.
Growing up, I had no one to turn to whenever bad or scary things happened. My mother believed children should be seen and not be heard.
Whatever psychic wounds I suffered, I endured by pushing the painful thoughts away. One night, when I was eight, something terrifying and incomprehensible happened to me. I had no idea what it was I experienced, but I knew instinctively that it was bad and wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night. I have no idea how I carried on, but I just did. The next morning, I went to school and pretended whatever happened had not happened.
But my mind wouldn’t let me forget it happened. I began to hate myself. When I caught my reflection in the mirror, I looked at myself with hatred and yelled, “You bitch!” I was able to carry on and explain what happened by hating myself. I carried this self-loathing within me for decades. I put up a wall between myself and others, and I also had a string of toxic romantic relationships.
Outwardly I seemed to be normal, although I would go into irrational rages occasionally. The rage attacks intensified in my thirties and affected my personal and professional life. When I turned forty, the memories came flooding back. I had no way of denying them anymore. Career success and the passing of time did not save me from the bouts of depression and the panic attacks I continued to deal with regularly.
I had to admit to myself that being molested by my uncle wasn’t something that I could just pretend didn’t happen and continue with my life.
While I was seeking healing for the incident that happened when I was eight, other memories surfaced. My sexual abuse actually began much earlier, when I was a toddler. My mind had mercifully repressed the memories until it deemed that I was mature enough to handle them.
The first few years of dealing with the trauma were tough. I felt I was going out of my mind. I read all I could about childhood trauma and sought the help of different therapists and different healing modalities. The tools in my recovery journey were EMDR, journalling, talk therapy and attending a support group for survivors of sexual assault.
With EMDR, I was asked to revisit the trauma memories within the structure of a psychologically safe environment. Using bilateral stimulation, traumatic memories are processed. The therapist also asked me to image a safe space and draw on the help of my allies, real and imagined. I imagined that the spiritual teachers I relied on were supporting me, and in my imagined outcome, they protected and comforted me.
Besides talking to a counsellor, I also drew and wrote about the traumatic memories. These helped me to acknowledge the pain they gave me. In the periods when I was intensively healing, I spent many hours just crying alone in my bedroom. I also found it very helpful to connect with other survivors at the support group organised by Alliance Counselling Centre. I felt a lot of compassion for fellow survivors and through their sharing, I was also able to connect with my own pain and have compassion for myself.
It was also through learning about recovery that I learnt about how to maintain my mental health through a self-care routine. I continue to monitor my mental health by maintaining my sleep, exercise and nutrition. I also schedule time for relaxation and reflection.
I’m in my seventh year of recovery. My experiences of being sexually assaulted as a child are something I continue to grapple with. I believe recovery will be a lifelong journey. But I’m glad I finally had the courage to face my demons.
I’m sharing my story to help spread awareness about the insidious nature of childhood trauma, and encourage survivors to seek help. Child sexual abuse is not something we can heal from on our own. Please seek support. If there are survivors of child sexual abuse reading this, you should know that what happened wasn’t your fault. The shame belongs to the abuser, and not you. Please seek help and support to heal from this, because the effects of childhood sexual abuse are long-lasting and will continue to wreak havoc on your life if left unhealed.
Felicity is a survivor of child sexual abuse. She works as a communications professional and enjoys several hobbies including drawing, dance fitness and reading.
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Illustration by Ethan.