Unravelling: Pain and Progress

by Sarah //

When you hear the word ‘grief’, what do you think of?

Most of us probably associate grief with death, but did you know that there are many more forms of loss and grief?

This month, we explore the theme of pain and progress. Loss and grief are painful, but they are natural, inevitable parts of life. While we cannot avoid them, we can learn to cope with loss and grief more effectively so that we can progress to the next chapter of our story.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. Beyond the death of a loved one, grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or our lives – such as the loss of a marriage, a friendship, a job, a place, a pet, or even an aspiration.

Because there are many circumstances of loss, there are many forms of grief. For example, abbreviated grief occurs when we move through the grieving process too quickly, while delayed grief emerges only some time after a loss. Inhibited grief involves repressing emotions, perhaps because we do not know how to cope with loss. Disenfranchised grief happens when we feel that socially we do not have permission to grieve, and that our grief is not respected or understood.

Grief does not even have to come after loss. Anticipatory grief involves grieving an impending loss, such as beginning to grieve a loved one who has a terminal illness before they actually pass away.

Am I grieving?

Despite the fact that grief is most often portrayed as sadness, the two are not synonymous. Because grief comes in so many forms, we may be grieving but not even realise it.

Grief is varied and complex. It can present itself in many different ways because it affects various aspects of our being – our heart, mind, body and spirit. It’s normal for experiences of grief to be confusing and full of conflict.

Emotional signs

Grief can involve experiencing a wide, changing spectrum of emotions, including:

• Sadness over our loss
• Relief that a loved one is now at peace
• Yearning for whom or what we’ve lost
• Guilt over things we did or didn’t do
• Anger over our loss or at someone we hold responsible for it
• Anxiety about our future after loss
• Numbness or detachment from our emotions

There are no correct or wrong emotions to feel when grieving. However, it’s best to acknowledge our emotions and let ourselves feel them in order to heal.

Mental signs

Grief affects our state of mind. It can cause us to:

• Have difficulty concentrating on tasks or making decisions
• Feel confused or disoriented
• Struggle with remembering or keeping track of responsibilities
• Withdraw from other people, or want to have others’ company all the time

Physical signs

Grief can also take a physical toll on our bodies. It may cause our immune systems to weaken, making it easier to fall sick. Some physical symptoms of grief include:

• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Restlessness
• Heart palpitations
• Headaches
• Reduced or increased appetite
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

Five stages of grief

As one way of understanding grief, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes five common stages of the grieving process, not necessarily in this order. Kubler-Ross was originally describing the process of coming to terms with one’s own impending death, but the model has been used widely for other types of grieving.

1. Denial: difficulty accepting that the loss is real
2. Anger: hostility, resentment or bitterness towards others, ourselves, god, or even no one in particular
3. Bargaining: feeling guilty, such as regretting past actions that we imagine might have caused the loss
4. Depression: such as sadness, hopelessness, or even emotional detachment
5. Acceptance: coming to terms with the reality of the loss and our new circumstances, and feeling prepared to move forward

While some people may resonate with this model of grief, others may not experience grief similarly. The process of grief is unique to each individual, and it’s fine for our grief to look different from others’, and to proceed in different ways, rather than in a neat series of stages.

Am I grieving?

Grief can affect many aspects of our living and being. Hence, it is crucial that we learn to cope with grief in healthy ways. When we’re lost in a cloud of grief, it can become all too easy to succumb to our pain.

How can we cope with our grief?

1. Take care of both our minds and bodies. Ensure we are getting sufficient and regular food, sleep and exercise. We can make time to rest and relax and tell ourselves not to feel guilty about this.
2. Work through our emotions: Instead of pushing painful emotions aside or constantly distracting ourselves, we can try to deal with what we are feeling. We can permit ourselves to cry if we need to, reminisce about who or what we’ve lost, and express our feelings in ways that make us feel better. For example, we can journal, share stories with others, or choose a memento to remember the person we’ve lost. Doing this can help to bring a sense of closure and peace.
3. Create a routine and stick to it: Grief disrupts our sense of normalcy. A consistent routine can help us to regain a sense of control, regulate our emotions and complete essential tasks. 
4. Connect with others: Our loss may make us feel lonely, but we don’t have to grieve alone. Instead of giving in to the urge to isolate ourselves, we can remember that there are others in our lives who can support us and may even share our grief. We can also consider joining a support group with others who are also coping with grief.

When should we seek additional support, such as reaching out to a grief counsellor or therapist? We can consider doing so if we feel coping with grief is too overwhelming or challenging, especially if we are experiencing extreme symptoms that interfere with our everyday functioning over a long period.

How can we support loved ones who are grieving?

1. Be there for them: Sometimes, people in pain just need a sincere listening ear. Check in regularly with them, show empathy, and try to understand their needs. 
2. Offer a helping hand: Grief often makes it difficult to go on with life as usual. Consider ways we can make life easier for them, whether it’s bringing a meal for them or running errands on their behalf. 
3. Try not to trivialise their loss: Take care not to imply that someone’s loss is insignificant, to pressure them to move on more quickly, or to attempt showing them the “positive” side of things. We may mean well with statements such as “it’s for the better anyway” or “you should try to forget about it”, but they can inadvertently sound dismissive. Instead, give loved ones time and space to process their feelings.
4. Encourage them to keep connected with others: Offer to include them in social activities, but give them permission and space to decline your offers if they find socialising too difficult. What’s important is letting them know others care about them.
5. Let loved ones grieve in their own way, without expecting them to grieve in the same way we would.

Above all, remember that the experience of grief is unique for everyone. Each person’s grieving process and timeline can be different. We can be patient and kind to ourselves or to our loved ones experiencing grief.

References:

1. Cleveland Clinic. (22 February 2023). Grief. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief 
2. Gillette, H. (19 December 2022). 9 Different Types of Grief. PsychCentral, https://psychcentral.com/health/types-of-grief 
3. Mental Health First Aid USA. (15 November 2022). Three Ways to Process Grief. https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2022/11/three-ways-to-process-grief/ 
4. Mental Health Foundation. (December 2022). Grief and loss. https://mentalhealth.org.nz/conditions/condition/grief-and-loss
5. Mental Health UK. (n.d.) Grief and bereavement. https://mentalhealth-uk.org/help-and-information/grief/ 
6. Mind. (December 2023). What does grief feel like?. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/experiences-of-grief/ 

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Sarah cares deeply about mental health advocacy, having experienced mental health struggles firsthand. She believes in the transformative power of storytelling, finds hope in everyday acts of kindness and is constantly amazed by the resilience of the human spirit.

Read more of our Tapestry Stories here.

Illustration by Ethan.