Unravelling: Belonging

by Sarah //

Do we feel as if we belong – in school, at work, even in the country we live in?

As National Day approaches, we start to increasingly hear about having “a sense of belonging”. However, this feeling can be complex for many of us. Some of us may not feel as if we belong, even in a country we grew up in or among people we’ve known all our lives. Or we may feel that we belong in some ways, but not in others.

What is belonging?

Belonging is the feeling of being connected to and part of a group or community. It’s the sense that we are accepted, supported and valued by our “tribe”.

Belonging is more  than just social proximity, and is tied to social identity. A true sense of belonging is rooted in sharing a set of beliefs or ideals, and having a common sense of character, with other members of our group.

Belonging is a complex and dynamic process unique to each of us.

Why is belonging important?

Nothing showed us the importance of human connection more than the Covid-19 pandemic. Isolated from our friends, colleagues, and perhaps even our family, many of us realised how big a role social interaction plays in our lives, even when we hadn’t appreciated this before.

Our sense of belonging is important because it’s all about human connection – the feeling that we have strong ties to other people and that we have a place in society. It’s not just a pleasant emotion to have; it’s integral to who we are! Almost every aspect of our lives is organised around belonging to something: whether it’s our family, nation, religious group, workplace, interest group, or other communities we’re part of. These groups and communities are building blocks of our identities.

A sense of belonging is key to our mental health. Feeling that we belong to a group increases our self-esteem. Belonging can contribute to our sense of purpose, because we feel as if we are part of a larger whole, part of something bigger and more important than ourselves. Additionally, the social ties that go hand-in-hand with a sense of belonging are a protective factor against loneliness and stress. When we feel supported by others, we can be more resilient in the face of life’s difficulties and cope better with new challenges.

Belonging isn’t just an abstract concept. According to an article in Forbes Magazine (Bower, 2021), an MIT study found that we crave social interaction in the same region of our brains where we crave food. Another study showed that we experience social exclusion in the same region of our brain where we experience physical pain.

Research has shown that mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety are associated with lacking a sense of belonging. A study at the University of Michigan found that lacking a sense of belonging is a strong predictor of depression – even stronger than feelings of loneliness or lack of social support (Bower, 2021). These conditions can in turn make it more difficult to connect with others, creating a cycle whereby our sense of belonging is continually weakened.

How can we nurture our sense of belonging?

Lacking a sense of belonging – being surrounded by people we know but don’t identify with – can make us feel lonely. But don’t lose hope yet! There are steps we can take to find a sense of belonging somewhere or with some people.

1. Don’t be afraid to try!

Even if it can be nerve-racking at first, the first step to building a sense of belonging is making an effort to engage with other people. The more we practise doing so, the easier it gets.

2. Find common ground.

Someone doesn’t have to be extremely similar to us in order for us to form a connection with them. Focusing on the similarities that we do have with them, such as a mutual interest or goal, can be a good starting point to begin bonding. At the same time, each person’s unique quirks and characteristics bring diversity to any group. Try to appreciate others’ different ways of being, because belonging is also about acceptance.

3. Be our true selves. 

It’s impossible to feel that we really belong if we’re always pretending to be someone else. Instead of giving in to the urge to change ourselves to “fit in”, let’s find the courage to be who we really are. Strong, deep connections are built on authenticity.

4. Focus on others.

If we are prone to feeling self-conscious around new people, we can try thinking less about ourselves. Instead of focusing on the self, we can work on showing genuine interest in whoever we are with. If we are curious, ask questions and listen sincerely to responses, conversation may flow more easily than we expected. If we consider what we can contribute to others and what support we can offer them, connections with others can grow.

5. Keep an open mind.

Be open to meeting different people, trying new activities or even considering new ways of thinking. We never know where or when we may find our “tribe”, and our sense of belonging may grow in the most unexpected of places. Instead of getting caught up in surface-level characteristics, we can look for a deeper sense of alignment between our purpose and the group’s.

It takes time to build deep connections with people and gain acceptance into a group. Above all, we should allow ourselves patience. A sense of belonging isn’t found in an instant, but grows over time. 

References:

Sarah cares deeply about mental health advocacy, having experienced mental health struggles firsthand. She believes in the transformative power of storytelling, finds hope in everyday acts of kindness and is constantly amazed by the resilience of the human spirit.

Read more of our Tapestry Stories here.

Illustration by Ethan.

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