by Sarah //
Am I attractive enough? Smart enough? Well-liked enough? Why can’t I be as successful as others?
Most of us are frequently plagued by these questions. Whether seeing someone else celebrate an achievement on social media, or scanning photos of beautiful or successful celebrities online, we find our lives full of encounters which may cause us to feel not “good enough”.
Such thoughts are natural, but leaving them unchecked can take a serious toll on our mental health. It’s thus helpful to become aware of when such thoughts arise, how they affect us and how we should respond to them.
Do you struggle with feeling “good enough”?
If you struggle with doubts about yourself, you are not alone. Psychologist Dr. Ronald Siegel calls these doubts “self-evaluative thoughts” that fuel “the relentless quest to feel better” about ourselves. Our sense of self-confidence can be fragile, constantly at risk of being damaged or even shattered.
Feelings of inadequacy often stem from comparing ourselves to others in the pursuit of external rewards like wealth, beauty and popularity. However, research suggests that making comparisons like this is a recipe for anxiety, unhappiness, stress and loneliness. Because there will always be someone doing better than us, we end up constantly feeling as if we are falling short. Even if we reach our goal, it is not long before we feel pressured to pursue something “better,” and we can never find a sustained sense of contentment.
This habit of self-judgement can also disrupt our relationships with others. If we feel insecure, we may see others as competition, or be afraid to put ourselves out there. If we let our resentment or jealousy towards others fester, we may unknowingly sabotage our own relationships. We may even judge others harshly and act on these judgments in a futile attempt to feel better about ourselves.
Over time, the accumulated weight of those feelings of inadequacy, disappointment and sadness can become too heavy to bear. How might we enjoy life without worrying about how successful we are and how we compare to others?
“Good enough” is a mindset
Feelings about not being “good enough” often arise from comparing ourselves to others. The obvious solution is to stop comparing, but that is much more easily said than done! While we may not be able to simply switch off the urge for self-comparison, we can try to be more aware of when thoughts of comparison arise, and in each case shift our mindset so we feel differently.
1) Catch ourselves whenever we feel:
- Ashamed about not achieving more
- Upset when thinking about our inadequacies
- Frustrated or envious about someone else’s success
- Resigned to being “less than” something or someone else
2) Correct negative self-talk.
Self-criticism may be a subconscious habit, but it greatly affects our self-perception. It’s useful for us to try to be aware of when we are engaging in negative self-talk, to pause and evaluate the thought, and to consider whether it is reasonable.
For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “My parents seem disappointed in me because I’m not smart enough”, try to recognise that you are making negative assumptions that may not be true – if you don’t ask them, you may be misinterpreting their emotions and the reasons behind their reactions.
3) Think about why we might feel this way.
- What are we afraid of not achieving?
- What do we think we deserve that we aren’t getting?
- What are we blaming for our present circumstances?
Looking under the surface of material achievements, our emotions may be triggered because we feel we are lacking something deeper: respect, significance, or feeling needed, valued or heard. Instead of thinking about all the things that we want to change about the self, or all the accomplishments we lack, we can consider how to reframe the way we think about ourselves and the events in our lives.
4) Set realistic expectations.
A useful strategy is to focus on what we can control: what things in our lives do we have the power and ability to change? Are we making unfair comparisons – blaming ourselves for circumstances we’re not responsible for, or expecting ourselves to reach unrealistic achievements without the privileges others have had? Can we consider modifying our expectations so that we can achieve what we can realistically accomplish?
Conversely, if some things are beyond our control, can we consider letting go of them and moving on, instead of stewing in disappointment and loathing what we see as failures?
5) Staying true to our own values.
What is actually most important to each of us? Are we judging ourselves by society’s or other people’s values, or by our own? For example, do we truly want to achieve certain goals, or are we just afraid others will perceive us as less successful if we don’t reach them? Thinking about what we really feel and what our values are gives our lives meaning and worth – and striving towards that, we can be gentle with and compassionate to ourselves along the way.
Stop thinking about yourself!
A phrase like this may sound harsh, but it contains an important truth. If we can break a cycle in which we spend our time and effort constantly occupied with self-judgement and self-evaluation, we will be happier.
In a world where advertising, social media, and other forms of communication constantly compel us to want more no matter how much we already have, it is easy to get trapped in a never-ending cycle of feeling that we do not have enough or are not “good enough”. Sometimes, the only way to break this cycle is to stop focusing on ourselves.
What might happen if we shift our focus from personal achievements to building genuine, sincere relationships with others? If we spend time considering how we can connect with someone else, instead of being fixated on impressing them or comparing ourselves to them?
Shame thrives in secrecy, and so one way to move forward is to be open about our feelings with others. If we try talking about our insecurities with someone we trust, it’s likely that we will find we are not alone. We all have aspects of ourselves that we might not feel good about, and sharing them with someone else can often give us a different perspective or at least relieve the emotional burden.
Over time, we can try to cultivate “unconditional self-acceptance”. This does not mean refusing to hold ourselves to any standards, or recognising that we have done wrong at times, but it does mean recognising that our mistakes do not lessen our value as human beings. We can still judge our own behaviour, but our evaluation of what we have done and what we cannot do, can become detached from our sense of self-worth, as we practise self-compassion.
References:
- Antonino, R. (13 June 2023). Transforming Your Mindset to Stop Feeling Not Good Enough. Therapy Central. https://therapy-central.com/2023/06/13/transforming-your-mindset-to-stop-feeling-not-good-enough/
- Davis, T. (7 June 2022). How to Overcome Feeling Inadequate. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202206/how-to-overcome-feeling-inadequate
- Newman, K. M. (8 June 2022). What to Do When You Never Feel Good Enough. Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_to_do_when_you_never_feel_good_enough
- Reynolds, M. (14 December 2013). How To Feel Good Enough. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/wander-woman/201312/how-feel-good-enough
- Volpe, A. (12 April 2024). How to be enough. Vox. https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/24091379/how-to-be-enough-habituation-hedonic-treadmill-comparison
Sarah cares deeply about mental health advocacy, having experienced mental health struggles firsthand. She believes in the transformative power of storytelling, finds hope in everyday acts of kindness and is constantly amazed by the resilience of the human spirit.
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Illustration by Ethan.