By Marcus Lim //
Nadera’s two birds are not just her “children” who she cares deeply about, they are also her lifeline. She shared with The Tapestry Project about her struggles with mental illness, her birds, and her experiences with the current pandemic.
Remo, a yellow-sided Conure, and Kiwi, a yellow-green budgie, have been a source of comfort for Nadera, an avid bird lover. While she has showered her two birds with motherly love, even teaching them Singlish, they have also helped her through dark times.
In 2010, she was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder and chronic depression. She was later diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and then borderline personality disorder just before she entered university.
When she graduated in 2014, she knew she wanted to care for something. And being a third generation bird lover, after her father and grandfather, she knew she wanted a bird.
Nadera, now 28, said that there is nothing comparable to holding a bird, with their feathers being soft, their smell indescribable and comforting, and their attachment to her makes her appreciative.
This interview has been shortened for clarity and editorial purposes.
Tell us about your birds and why you got them
I had one when I was in Primary 4 and ever since then, I’ve always liked birds. Just the idea of being able to hold and smell something small and innocent comforts me. I only made the decision once I graduated from university. Anytime before that, it was too premature since I was struggling with my studies and mental illness.
Getting a seven-week-old bird meant that the bird still needed to be hand-fed, it hadn’t learnt to eat on its own yet so it needed a full-time caregiver.
The personalities of birds can be similar to cats, they can be independent and come over to you on their terms. If I were to compare my older and younger birds, my older one, Remo is more friendly, cuddly and likes to be held. In some ways, birds are also like dogs and get attached easily. My younger one, Kiwi, however, doesn’t like to be held or touched.
When did you get Remo and Kiwi?
I got Remo in 2014 and adopted Kiwi last year.
After Remo, I never planned to get a second bird. I’m more of a single bird person and I guess I’m selfish, I was afraid to get another one where the two birds may bond together and ignore me completely.
I also thought my hands were full with my older one. Then Kiwi came along unexpectedly.
I was walking to the bus stop. It was raining heavily and I saw something moving and paused. It was a bird.
Immediately I knew that this bird is not commonly found in Singapore. I sort of froze and the bird walked towards me and came closer. I noticed it was a budgie. Immediately I knew she didn’t belong there. She must have been house-trained and escaped. She slowly came to me and I gently picked her up.
That was the second sign that she belonged to someone and accidentally flew out, got lost and was drenched and wet. She was being cared for by someone. I brought her home, dried her up, and long story short, after discussing with my family and not being able to identify the owner, we decided to take her in.
That’s how Kiwi joined in and how Remo wasn’t the king any longer. That was quite an adjustment for him. He was no longer the only bird.
How have your birds helped you through your mental health struggles?
When I got Remo, one reason why I got him was the need to have some form of self-comfort. Remo is soft and fluffy, and has a smell that soothes me. When I was young, the comforting smell of a bird helped me mentally. I had a strong need to fulfill that.
Remo has definitely helped me with my mental health struggles. Whenever I am overwhelmed with anxiety or trauma, I turn to my birds. I would cup them in my hands and smell them. That grounds me.
It is hard to describe what they smell like. Remo has a nice-smelling “earth smell.” A bit more on the sweet side.
My younger one smells like food, she has an annoying habit of standing in her food bowl and throwing food everywhere. She smells of seeds. She smells like her surroundings.
Is there a specific memory you can share about your birds that is meaningful to you?
After I came home from one of my long two-week-long hospitalizations,, my birds wouldn’t stop making sounds and kissing me.
Usually when I leave home, I will kiss them and tell them I’m going to the shop or say “bye bye.”
But that particular hospitalization was due to a suicide attempt.
I left without holding them or kissing them. I think the birds wondered where I went. And when I came home, they couldn’t stop making kissing sounds. I guess they didn’t want to show it but you can tell the love was there.
Whenever I think of committing suicide, the one thing holding me back is my birds. How will my parents explain to my babies that their mother is no longer in the house, never to be seen again?
So that boosted my will to stay alive for them. They are my responsibility and I better not screw it up for them.
How has your health been during this pandemic?
It was the reason my mental health declined. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital in June. I was starting a delicate therapy, basically trauma therapy. When Phase One kicked in, that service was taken away from me, it threw me off.
With someone with depression, to be forced to stay at home and be stuck, I spiraled, I self-harmed again. I started climbing out my window and sat on my window ledge. I did reach out, it just reached a point where my family knew I needed to be in the hospital because I was getting worse.
But when I was inside there were a lot of young people inside with me. We supported each other and talked together. It made the hospital life more bearable and it was therapeutic.
Sometimes suicidal thoughts can get too much. Sometimes I make the decision to know that my family will be there to take care of them. But I try to grind it in my head that I am their mother, their original owner, no matter who is there to look after them, I am there for them.
Nadera is the founder of creatingsmiles and a certified Peer Support Specialist. She is a mental health advocate and believes in the healing power of pets.
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