by Florence //
There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to disclosure of mental health issues, even with our life partners.
Conversations about disclosure of mental health issues usually revolve around whether we should tell our employers about our condition—and rightly so, because for many young adults, securing employment is a key developmental milestone.
Another important milestone in many of our lives is finding the right life partner. For a young person diagnosed with a mental health condition, having a #realtalk conversation with their partner about their mental health condition can be a scary experience. The consequences could be severe, and we may mentally rehearse a series of questions. Will my partner be able to accept my condition? Will disclosure affect us as a couple if we think about having a family? How will my partner’s family react to my disclosure?
As a counsellor working in a specialized family service centre for marital and divorce work, I’ve met a fair share of couples with or without mental health issues working on their marital woes or going through a divorce. With or without mental health issues, marriage is going to be tough. While there will be times the two of people bring out the best in each other, and there will be times when two of them bring out the worst in each other.
While living with mental health issues can complicate relationship dynamics, it is often not the mental illness per se that impacts relationships the most. When couples get together in therapy to drill down to the heart of their conflict, their core questions are basic ones: “Does my partner love and respect me?” “Am I important to my partner?” “Does my partner care about me?” Couples fight when they do not feel loved, respected, prioritized and cared for by their partners.
Even though fighting is part and parcel of even the healthiest relationships, some couples let their conflicts run on for so long, and the conflicts start to affect their marriages or long-term relationships. Time does not always heal all wounds. Some wounds run so deep that nothing short of a miracle is needed to turn the situation around. I’d say as a marital and divorce counsellor that the best time to work on one’s marriage is before the marriage itself—that’s when couples are dating.
Besides exploring common interests and having fun with a love interest, dating is a good time to test waters on how a person might respond to difficulties and hardships.
For people living with mental health conditions, our circumstances present us with a unique opportunity: we can engage with our partners about the realities and challenges of living with mental health issues.
Societal stigma and self-stigma concerning mental health issues are not trivial matters, and take courage to face. The fact that we wake up every single day and carry on with life is an ongoing effort that should be celebrated and remembered. The fact that we remain productive and contributing, despite our challenges, is no mean feat. Why do we internalise shame and hide a part of ourselves that has shaped us so profoundly when, if we are properly understood by ourselves and others, we can actually be proud of the effort that we’ve put in to work on ourselves?
An interesting research study found that the receiving partner of disclosures regarding mental health issues would much rather have the news earlier than later in the relationship (Shpiegelman et al.). The rationale was simple: it was a matter of principle to be honest and upfront about critical information to a potential life partner. The earlier the disclosure, the more space we allow our partners to make an informed decision about what they want and whether they can ride the storms of life with us.
The space we open up today for our partners to thoroughly consider if they are willing to accept our conditions will be the foundation of love and respect in our relationships tomorrow.
If we are afraid to rock the boat in our relationships, perhaps the relationship may not be as stable as we imagined it to be. In contemporary times, the premium our society has placed on being in romantic relationships has meant that our expectations and emotional needs are placed on one person: our partner. This is a tremendous weight to bear. Living with a diagnosis of a mental health condition is also a weighty issue. Learning how to talk about our vulnerabilities at the right time in our relationships can go a long way toward a deeper understanding of each other and developing a sense of empathy for each other. In my work as a counsellor, I’ve observed that when couples lose the ability to show vulnerability and empathise with each other, the possibility of their separation is not far down the road.
If you live with a mental health condition, I suggest that finding the right time and space to talk to your partner earlier about it is a good way to test waters. Can they see beyond your condition and acknowledge your strengths and efforts to overcome your challenges? Are they able to see that the onset of mental illnesses depends on many factors, not just one’s genes? Can they be a shield for you when their conservative family members object to you? If your answers are “yes” to these questions, it may be worthwhile deepening the relationship you have with your partner. If your answers are “no” to these questions, it may be worthwhile to consider what you’d like out of your relationship. If your answers are “maybe”, clarifying your partner’s stance about the weighty matter of your diagnosis could save further heartbreak in future.
Reference
- Shpigelman, CN., Roe, D., Konopny-Decleve, L. et al. Disclosing Mental Illness During Dating: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis of the Partners’ Experience. Int J Ment Health Addiction 17, 1312–1327 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-018-0046-y
Florence recognises the irony of a #foreversingle person sharing her two cents about partnering up. The clarity she has around the realities and difficulties of relationships comes from her observations as a marital and divorce counsellor. She has also had a front row seat on long-lasting and complicated marital dynamics in her family.
Read more of our Tapestry Stories here.
Image Credit: Microsoft Designer