By Mak // The Tapestry Project SG
Valentine’s Day can be stressful. For those with partners, trying to top last year’s declaration of love. Singles might be painfully reminded that they are alone as they see blissful couples canoodling.
Admittedly, I am a married man who has only dated one girl in my life. I am still learning what love is as someone with clinical depression.
Love was straightforward to my younger self. Less than 24 hours into my first relationship, I knew that I loved my girlfriend. I spoke of my love freely to her, and expected her to do likewise. It would take her months to say it. It made me feel like I’d accomplished something, when she finally did.
But words ring hollow without actions.
We often think of love as romantic love, seeking care and affection from someone special. We seek this sort of love, perhaps due to a lack of acceptance or validation from those around us when we were younger.
My girlfriend taught me a lot about love. Her love was simply about acceptance, and compromise. We disagreed on things, had arguments, but she never stopped learning to love me. She endured my negatives and adapted to them, while respecting my positives. She made sacrifices even if I didn’t know about them, so that life could be easier for us. She defined commitment to love, even before we exchanged vows.
True love is about giving from the heart.
I learnt that love comes in many forms, in small sacrifices, rather than showy gestures.
A romantic relationship isn’t a goal that will miraculously grant us joy and happiness. Clinging on to that idea will inadvertently result in mental anguish and hurt. Proper love needs work, time, and energy, and there is never a guarantee that things will work out exactly the way we want.
In my struggle with depression, my wife has been my anchor and support, someone I can lean on. She doesn’t push me to recover because she trusts that I am doing my best. I’m my own worst critic. She chooses not to add to that. My kids accept me breaking down, and ask if I’m okay. My friends listen to my frustrations without judgement.
They choose to love me. They give without expecting me to be who I’m not.
But all that is not effective without another form of love.
This love is about kindness to oneself. Self-compassion. Self-care. A little gift, a smile in the mirror, a pat on the back. These small gestures equip and recharge us. They fill our energy and love banks, giving us the capacity to love others more.
So this Valentine’s Day, let’s work on self-love, and learning to love others, not in big, splashy ways, but accepting others as they are, listening to them, and caring for them from the heart.
Love at its core, is about loving others, not what we can get out of it. But we also need to understand that to do that, we need to love ourselves.
That way, when you do find that special someone, you’ll know how to love.
Mak is an IT engineer turned mental health care advocate. He is recovering from depression through writing and learning to care for others. His first Tapestry story can be found here: https://thetapestryproject.sg/6-things-to-say-not-positivity-cliche-kean-loongs-story
Image Credit: Unsplash, Everton Vila