By Journee //

I experienced my first bout of depressive symptoms while I was in secondary school. Back then, I was very active in sports. However, I fared terribly in my studies and was always placed almost last in class as I struggled with academics, particularly in the main subjects – English, Math and Science.

I still recall the very first time I sat for my O level exams. I froze during the English paper. I was unable to write a single word. I was anxious, blanked out during the entire exam, and because of that got an F9 for English on my first attempt.  My palms became sweaty and I could not think straight. I felt afraid to start writing. Everyone around me was quietly doing their work while I was overthinking, and all I could feel was an intense fear that kept me from doing anything at all.

I cried so much on the day of the examination results. Looking at my friends achieving success and moving forward, whilst I was left behind, made me feel as though I was someone less than ordinary – a failure. Who would have thought these anxiety-related issues stemmed from my struggle with depression and anxiety?

As a teenager, I still remember being diagnosed with depression in a polyclinic. I was told to see a psychologist, while refusing to take medication as I was very much afraid of the stigma related to mental illness back then. Hence, I insisted on not taking any medication for depression and went for therapy for about a year. Thereafter I was doing relatively well. I retook my exams and managed to start year one of polytechnic.

During the first year of poly, I continued to struggle with negative thoughts, and they got worse. I had my first episode of schizophrenia while I was studying for my exams. Initially I felt like ending my life, and I remember heading to see the doctor at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) and resisting getting admitted. However, upon heading home after seeing the doctor, I could not sleep for days, which led to me have delusions. One was a feeling that I needed to escape from the fifth floor of my flat, as I felt that I was in trouble.

The days leading to admission were scary to me. The thoughts of ending my life eventually led my family to bring me to seek treatment at IMH.

I still remember vaguely that during the very first time I got admitted to IMH, I had delusions that someone very close to me had passed on. I was grieving throughout my entire time in the ward, despite the fact that this person was very much alive. It took some time for me to recover from that first episode of psychosis, and I was referred to the Early Psychosis Intervention Programme (EPIP) in IMH. I met others who were also in recovery, which led me to realise that I was not the only one with a mental health condition. I sought help and support from the team at EPIP, and made friends with my peers.

Years went by, and I was pretty much stable and on the road to recovery. However, after I got much better, I decided to stop taking medications. This resulted me having a relapse during my final year of polytechnic. During this time, I was supposed to be completing my internship outside of school, but I had trouble sleeping for weeks, and I not only experienced low mood, but also experienced a new wave of delusions and hallucinations. I thought I was in a place where I needed to act to save myself. I remembered trying to bring my late grandmother out of the house, and asking the police to arrest her as I thought that she was carrying a knife, intending to kill me. Thankfully my brother was able to talk to the police and my family then brought me to seek treatment at IMH. I was warded for about a month or so.  I remember vividly how I felt a huge sense of regret for my actions, and of making my grandma terrified of me during the incident. I apologized to her profusely after I got discharged for what I had done while I was unwell.

It has been a long road of recovery for me. Over the past few years, I have been admitted after several overdosing incidents, which were caused by low mood.

I feel that I am currently still a work in progress. I also feel that these experiences that I have had, even though some of them may have been scary, have also made me stronger than I once was. I have also learnt a couple of things about myself. 

I feel that I am currently still a work in progress. I also feel that these experiences that I have had, even though some of them may have been scary, have also made me stronger than I once was. I have also learnt a couple of things about myself. 

I realise that it is alright to fall down a couple of times before getting up again. It is never easy to learn to live with a mental health condition. However, I also feel that we all have inner strength and resilience that will help us to grow and be more than we are now. Trials in life are not meant to make us fall, but to see how far we can fly. Being able to move on with my life was a choice that I eventually learnt to make. I have finally accepted that I have a mental health condition and I have taught myself to learn to let go of the past, and move forward to the future. Sometimes holding on to something for too long does more harm than good. 

I also believe that support from those around me provided me with courage to pull through and be strong. One should never be left alone in this battle with mental illness. I wish to continue to encourage those who have suffered from mental illness to be strong amidst all the challenges, and hope that they will persevere and succeed in battling mental illness. I also wish to inspire others to do better with their lives. Never let a stumble in the road be the end of the journey.

Outside of work, Journee likes listening to music, and playing the guitar. She also enjoys meeting up with her friends to play board games or heading out for a day of karaoke.

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Image by dvorianova from Pixabay.