By Victor Guo //
It’s been a year since COVID-19 reached Singapore. Unrest. Anxiety. Uncertainty – most people feel this way. You are not alone. I feel that way as well, perhaps on a different and deeper degree than most… because I’ve had mental illness for many years.
Everyone was leading normal lives. Who would have expected that this disease would spread throughout the world as a pandemic? Then things escalated as more cases sprang up. Our country entered a standstill from April to May 2020. No physical gatherings in person. Only virtual meetings.
Like a caterpillar, I entered a cocoon. One word – silence. Emotions ran wild in my mind.
I realised later, that this was a process of being moulded. In a literal sense, I was forced to change; to make adjustments in my life using technology. Like many others, I use Zoom to communicate with my friends here and abroad. Because of this, I was able to connect with my good friend called J who lives overseas with his family.
On 10 May 2020, I talked with J over Zoom. In tears, I said I wanted to end my life.
J watched silently I cried. He asked, “Why Victor?”
“I am going to be finished,” I said.
“Victor, you are not finished!” J replied.
I knew what J was hinting at: My life story had not ended yet.
After the country emerged from its standstill period, a few restrictions were lifted and by the end of June, life began to fill the streets and lives of the people again. I could meet people face to face every week.
However, thoughts of ending my life still dominated my mind. I was afraid of going outside and seeing crowds of people wearing masks in malls. They looked like bad people to me. My paranoia spiked.
By August 2020, I had decided: I had enough of my mental illness and wanted to fully recover from it. The mental illness had cost me and my family financially and emotionally.
I wanted to find a professional yet friendly psychiatrist by myself, based on customers’ experience and reviews, not just on personal recommendations.
I wanted someone who believed that treatment isn’t based solely on oral medication, but also compassion.
Finally, I found one! He was very affirmative and sympathetic. I showed him my past and history of mental illness. He tried psychotherapy, and in September 2020, he suggested depot injection to treat the paranoia and voices in my head.
The depot injection proved to be effective and gradually, I was able to taper off oral medication. I began to feel confident yet “natural” at the same time. Thoughts of being evil and surrounded by evil were losing ground. Most important of all, my energy is coming back to me!
It’s such a blessed feeling to be hardworking once again. It is such a blessing to be confident yet humble once again. The personality I lost due to mental illness was revived. I am once again lively and kind towards people. I am slowly being transformed into a butterfly! I began to go out by myself more. I started to take photos of conserved buildings and shophouses. I recently started a personal blog as well.
Victor, who formerly wrote as Xicius, is a 36-year-old who has lived with mental illness for many years. He has recently set up a personal blog at victorguo.com. His other Tapestry stories can be found here.
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