By Kenneth //
On 27 Feb 2018, I attempted suicide.
Back in Aug 2017, I joined a new company after spending four wonderful years at the Singapore General Hospital (SGH). In the nation’s flagship hospital, I was given numerous opportunities to work with some of the brightest healthcare professionals, administrators and IT engineers in the industry. I have debated with a system specialist on the best way to improve our electronic incident reporting system, supported a committee of super senior doctors, and also sat beside an ICU pharmacist to review a medical error.
As a junior administrator, I learned a lot from the ways they systematically approach problems in operating a large and complex healthcare organisation. My director and manager gave me the autonomy to make the decisions I could at my level. In my fourth year, I got the chance to oversee the work of a junior executive and associate. I was fairly confident that I would be promoted if I stayed on for just a few more months. Despite these opportunities, I tendered my resignation.
As part of my handover , I also developed a syllabus for newbies as I gradually begin to see the “big picture” and intentions behind my work. I told HR during the exit interview that I didn’t have anything against my bosses and colleagues. I simply wanted to advance my career in healthcare analytics, an area I was keen on.
Fast forward to Oct 2017, the new portfolio was nowhere near the way I envisioned it to be. I was having difficulty adjusting to the new work environment and culture. It was micro-management at its best. For example, a simple spreadsheet report that normally took around ten minutes now took ten days due to multiple levels of clearance and still got stuck in my inbox because the manager didn’t have the confidence to make minor decisions. I also had a senior who taught me on how to send supposedly proper emails. That I should add “Regards,” on top of my signature footer, and respond with “Noted with thanks” whenever I received things from people in order to “sound more polite”. Once, he showed me examples of “Noted with thanks” from colleagues in the same department, and asked me how many I had sent so far.
SERIOUSLY, WHO CARES ???
Face-to-face conversations with them failed to address the problems. I felt so suffocated that I resigned after three months without securing another job even though it was only a year to my wedding and BTO key collection.
Then came the downward spiral.
I noticed that getting out of bed to maintain personal hygiene was becoming a significant challenge. Days would pass before I had a meal. I would stay shut in my room for most of the day, waking up just thinking about how I could fall back asleep just to numb myself from all the anxiety. When I tried to take afternoon naps, they would last no longer than 15 mins (Yes, I timed them) before I woke up wracked by fear.
I knew something was not right.
On 8 Jan 2018, I managed to get another position in the same industry, thinking that getting a job should help “cure” all these issues. However, the condition was full blown. I was absent more than 50% of the time. On the days when I managed to drag myself to work, I had difficulty concentrating, making decisions, and accomplishing the simplest of tasks. I noticed that my colleagues were completing their work much faster than I could. Mental fog that made it very difficult for me to function.
It felt like my mind was hijacked and “it” was leading me towards destructive thoughts and actions that I had no control over.
On the fateful day, I texted my colleagues and loved ones that “I was feeling terrible” and to just “let me go”. I left my phone in my bedroom before wandering out of my home. Eventually, I climbed to the top of a multi-storey car park. I didn’t make the jump because I thought about all things which were waiting for me in the future: My wedding, the BTO and marriage. All coming in the later part of the year.
Back home, the police arrived. After taking my statement, the officer made the decision to call me an ambulance, and take me to the A&E department of IMH. I was diagnosed with depression. Fortunately, I didn’t have to be admitted. I resigned a few weeks later to focus on recovery.
One month after starting on Fluvoxamine, my sleep and energy improved significantly.
I started reading materials on depression, especially stories on how patients cope with their mental illness. These resources gave me the tools and strength to fight the demons from the past.
As I type this, I really hope to get back to the workforce with a strong sense of identity and confidence.
Kenneth does quality and risk management in the healthcare industry. He is passionate about the topics of patient safety, quality improvement and healthcare analytics. In his free time, he likes long distance running, giving tuition, and spending time with his loved ones.
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