By Beverly //
Earlier this year, I went through an extended period of unemployment after leaving a new job due to struggles stemming from social anxiety. That season of uncertainty brought about many mental battles, including feeling envious of how well the lives of my closest friends seemed to be going. While dwelling on unhelpful comparisons with others was a familiar struggle to me, this was the first time it evolved into envy, making it extremely jarring for me.
While I rationally knew that the lives of my peers were not as rosy as they appeared to be on social media or even in our interactions, in my moments of weakness, even “don’t compare your lowlights to others’ highlights” sounded like a meaningless platitude. I found myself thinking that despite any struggles they might have, at least they had stable jobs and financial stability, or were at least fortunate enough to be in a stable relationship. Or the one that came up the most: at least they did not struggle with this debilitating mental health condition.
Interestingly, it was not these feelings of envy that bothered me the most: It was the secondary emotion of shame I developed around these feelings.
I was incredibly frustrated with myself for submitting to these baseless comparisons that I rationally knew were invalid and unhelpful. I also felt extremely guilty for feeling envious of the very friends who had showered me with much love and support during my darkest times.
Having now come out the other side of these feelings, here are some reflections on how I navigated that time period:
- Starting with authenticity and acceptance
For a long time, I tried to resist any inkling of envy that emerged as I felt so much shame around it. I recall an incident when a close friend posted photos from her pre-wedding photoshoot on social media. I found myself conflicted between wanting to drop her a compliment, but not wanting to lift her up any further as “her life was already going much better than mine”. I ended up not doing anything about it, and it was a moment of weakness that I proceeded to beat myself up for. My counsellor helped me see things from another perspective – I was being authentic about how I felt in that moment; it would not have been genuine if I had complimented my friend for the sake of it, despite feeling unwilling to do so.
// To me, envy was an unhelpful path to go down as I would only dig myself into a deeper hole and adopt a victim mindset that might impede my willingness to help myself. I thus associated these feelings of envy with being ‘bad’. However, I came to realise that emotions are neither inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’; rather, the actions that are most commonly associated with particular emotions tend to make us perceive emotions that way. //
In my case, I could acknowledge that I felt envious of my peers, but I could choose what I wanted to do about that feeling. I did not have to let it fester and build resentment. Acknowledging these feelings did not mean I had to wallow in or dwell on them. It did not mean that I had to let these feelings control my decisions
2. Getting curious
After accepting these uncomfortable feelings of envy, I also had to come to terms with the fact that these feelings were there as they were trying to get my attention. If I had continued to shut them down because of the shame I felt around them, they would only continue to linger.
Much of my feelings of envy were around aspects such as job stability and relationships, which happen to be some of the primary losses I feel as a result of my struggles with social anxiety. Feeling envious of my peers who seemed to have these things going for them simply meant that these were also things that I wanted for myself, but was struggling to achieve during that season of life. It did not mean that I wanted to see those around me suffering too. Once I managed to reconcile myself to this, it felt like a hurdle in my own path to recovery had been lifted.
There is no denying that emotions are inherently complex to deal with, and I still continue to struggle with navigating difficult emotions from time to time. Something that has helped me is the conviction not to add to my own suffering by judging myself harshly for how I feel.
We all deserve to give ourselves grace amid our struggles, and a tiny step for me has been to embrace difficult emotions as signposts for my life, stories and desires instead of suppressing them.
Beverly, who has been in recovery for social anxiety since her late teens, is committed to the cause of mental health advocacy in her own quiet ways. While she is not occupied with her day job, she enjoys singing, reading, and connecting deeply with loved ones.
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