By Audrey Teo //
Dear Reader,
Thank you for opening my letter. Whoever you are and wherever you are in your own journey, I am writing this letter today in the hope that my story may encourage you.
Even as I am writing this, I am berated by negative thoughts. Is this worth sharing? Is there a point to sharing my story? Then I thought, even if this letter touches just one person, it is enough. And that one person may very well be me.
It was May 2019. I had just finished my first year of university and felt incredibly anxious and doubtful about my abilities in my course and future career. Three weeks into my summer internship, my anxiety peaked. I remember feeling constantly terrified of underperforming, doing something embarrassing, and being at a loss for words in unexpected situations.
Unbeknownst to me, I was drifting into a sea of apathy, with my usual spirited self left on the shores. This was my first time tasting the bitterness of depression (specifically, situational depression or adjustment disorder). I remember feeling like I didn’t want to care about anything, like I was tired of caring. Thoughts like, “what’s the point of doing this?” and “I want to escape!” were loud in my mind. It was hard to find the willpower to do my tasks, especially those that required social interaction. These thoughts and feelings felt sneaky and intrusive– they showed up uninvited, and I didn’t realise their presence until they became overwhelmingly loud and persistent. Depression trapped me in a lonely pit of despair and apathy, with bouts of crying spells that I saw as my body’s way of fighting and expressing my internal mental struggle.
However, I didn’t believe that my struggle was serious enough or that it warranted seeking help. I didn’t want to receive special treatment or attention. I feared that disclosing my struggle to my supervisor would damage my reputation and paint me as a problem. I blamed myself extensively, which prevented me from acknowledging the validity of my struggle. I believed the solution was simply for me to be better and try harder.
Soon, hiding my depression became impossible as my tears validated my need for help and compassion from others around me. Finally, I found the courage to open up to my supervisor, and after navigating a series of administrative procedures (including difficult phone calls and emails), I successfully withdrew from my internship and took a leave of absence. My supervisor also encouraged me to seek counselling, and although it was part of the administrative process, I sensed her empathy and felt that my struggles were truly validated.
And so, I saw a counsellor for the first time. It was a much needed safe space, free of judgement. It was a new experience sharing with a stranger. Usually, I would feel bad opening up to friends and family for fear of burdening or scaring them — with a counsellor, I didn’t have to worry about that. It was relieving and cathartic to articulate my struggles to someone who was willing to listen and help me sort through my messy situation.
Unfortunately, there were more obstacles to face. I was so afraid to tell my family. My father seemed resistant to my claims of depression. While it may be understandable for a parent to struggle with accepting that their child is struggling, his reaction nonetheless triggered a new wave of emotions in me.
I came to learn that what I experienced was the feeling of invalidation. Unfortunately, it was not the first or last time I would feel invalidated. Some people do it unintentionally, nevertheless it is still a huge obstacle to recovery—especially when I am also invalidating my own struggles time and time again.
Personally, I believe that validation of our struggles is one of the most crucial steps in anyone’s mental health journey. Imagine going through a tough time, sometimes even crying as you express your struggles to another person, only for that someone to minimize or even deny what you are experiencing. How can somebody move forward to seek help or take steps to cope when they deny their own struggle and need for help? On the flip side, I have personally experienced the immense relief that validation can bring during my darkest times.
Over time, I learnt not to rely on other people to give me that validation. It felt far too risky to crave and wait for it.
Validation does not always require a mental illness diagnosis. To me, validation can be as simple as acknowledging that I’m not doing okay and allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling without minimising it. It is about extending kindness and empathy towards myself, just as I would to a friend going through a similar struggle.
Some simple avenues of self-validation include journaling, texting myself, and following encouraging mental health accounts on social media. In a unique way, songwriting became a key avenue for validating my own struggles and triumphs, serving as both storytelling and self-expression, and a way to document words of encouragement for myself and others. Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote that is dear to my heart:
I’m at the bottom again
I don’t see a way out
I just want to escape
But how could I leave everyone behind?
So I tell myself
No matter how low I go,
I must always come back up again
No matter how long it takes,
it is always worth the fight
No matter how far I go,
I must always find my way home
No matter how dark it seems,
there’s always a light of hope
After seeking support from my friends, family and counsellor, I managed to take the next bold step of switching to another major that felt more manageable, with no practical or internship requirements. I learnt to speak up when I needed help, even emailing my professors about my struggles when I had some depression relapses. I am so happy to say that, about two and a half years after that major breakdown, I managed to graduate from university, despite some delays and leaves of absences.
I went from feeling ashamed of my journey to feeling unashamed and empowered by my increased self-awareness. Seeking help is never a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength and a commitment to taking care of yourself!
I hope that reading this snippet of my story encourages you to be your own best friend, to never undermine anyone’s struggles—including your own. Wishing you well, my fellow veteran in this journey of life.
Sincerely,
Audrey
Audrey is a 25-year-old university graduate who has struggled with depression since 2019. Inspired by her own personal experiences, she has become a mental health advocate. Audrey hopes to continue sharing her stories and lessons learnt to encourage and inspire others.
Read more of our Tapestry Stories here.
Illustration by Ethan.