By Nadera // creatingsmiles
I was already feeling down prior to this whole Covid-19 outbreak, so when the number of infected cases rose in Singapore and later entered “circuit breaker” mode, I felt myself spiralling further because I was stuck at home with the inner demons that I had been repressing and tried to escape from.
Everything I could possibly do within the confines of my home were becoming ineffective as I repeated my routines, day in and day out. The last straw was when all my medical appointments were cancelled and sessions were to be done remotely because of the “circuit breaker”. With that last safety net gone, I worried what a lack of therapy or medical care was going to do to my already worn out state.
Eventually I settled and realised that as much as I hate myself because of the self-loathing, I only have myself now to rely on. So I have to trust in God and to do everything within my power to keep myself afloat until face-to-face therapy resumes.
I know I am not the only one affected by the cancellation of therapy appointments and even psychiatric appointments. And for those of us who find home to be more of a trigger than comfort…I hope we find ways to make it work for us.
Miraculously, I had managed to get myself to start jogging. Now I jog every morning as a desperate attempt to get rid of the jitters, self-harm and suicide ideations.
It is not foolproof and I am still brainstorming on more ways to find the motivation to add variety to my daily routine. But I am proud of what I have achieved so far. I try to focus on the present, stay calm and not worry about having to do the same thing tomorrow and for the next 30 days, or longer.
I had done some colouring when I was in hospital last year and I picked this message “courage” for a reason. I think it accurately reflects the times we live in now, and the value that we need to hold fast to today.
Fighting to stay afloat is courage. Obeying our government and practising social restraint is courage. Helping out and contributing with what we have is courage.
Especially now, when there might not be anyone around physically to affirm you, you have to pat yourself on the back for every step you take in the positive direction and ignore the demons that tell you that what you are doing is not enough.
I hope to hear your story too so we can form a virtual community of people who can give each other a pat on the back, to applaud each other for taking courageous steps, because we are a people who understand and know that things like getting out of bed and having three proper meals a day are not things we take for granted. These are achievements worth celebrating. We empathise. We relate. We are similar boats; sharing the sails and riding the waves. We have courage.
Nadera believes that no effort is too small, and does what she can to raise awareness on mental health issues on various platforms. In doing so, she has been able to turn her mess into a message and hopes to use her experience to support others in their journey. She currently spends a lot of her lockdown time gaming, reading a book, and disturbing her two pet parrots who ground her when she feels her thoughts spiral out of control.
2 responses to “Holding On: Nadera’s Story”
Keep going 👍
Thank you :’)