By Charlynn T. //
“Did you do this for attention?”
I had not prepared an answer to that question. Paralysed with fear, I stared blankly at my parents, praying they would drop the topic and just dismiss the issue. That was the day they discovered I was self-harming.
I’m not sure how it started. I was in secondary school back then, and I was always the ‘loner’. Perhaps one could say that that predisposed me to depression. Teachers tried to reach out to me, sending me to the school counsellor, and talking to my parents, but I never accepted that something was wrong with me, and delayed help-seeking because of the stigma of being ‘attention-seeking’.
Fast forward three years. I got into a Junior College, and was instantly overwhelmed by the workload and the high standards that I had to live up to. I struggled to relate to anyone as I felt isolated from my peers. I felt trapped, suffocated, exhausted. I couldn’t catch up with my studies as my mind was always clouded with negativity, and thoughts undermining my capabilities and self-worth.
I found myself contemplating suicide on numerous occasions. I still remember how intense and scary the thoughts were, almost like an irrational command that overwrites every ounce of self-control.
These thoughts increased in frequency and intensity as I entered my second year, drowning in the stress of the upcoming ‘A’ Levels. I would spend every night crying myself to sleep, trying to fight suicidal thoughts. This continued, remaining unspoken, till I barely made it into university.
In my first year of university, I had my first full-blown depressive episode. It was a very dark period for me, lasting about four months. Everyday, I would oversleep, skip meals, cry in bed, think of how my life was pointless, and have recurring thoughts of ending it all. Some of the lesser-known signs of depression are body aches, feeling like your body is ‘weighed down’ or ‘leaden’, and feeling mentally tired and drowsy as if you have the flu, but without other influenza symptoms. It surprised and terrified me how ‘physical’ depression could get, despite it being a mental illness.
Thankfully, things took a turn when one of my friends encouraged me to speak to my university tutor, which I did reluctantly. She commended me on my bravery in taking the first step towards seeking help, and subsequently referred me to speak to a counsellor and psychiatrist. I was put on medication, which dragged me out of the depressive episode.
I am now glad to be in recovery. Although the road towards remission is long and bumpy, I have no regrets reaching out for help.
The assumption that individuals who self-harm and attempt suicide are ‘attention-seeking’ is unhelpful and stigmatising. We should instead provide support to individuals in distress by directing them to seek help early instead. Sometimes, a simple “Would you like to talk to someone about this?” can save lives.
Charlynn is a university student passionate about writing and mental health. By sharing her story, she hopes to raise awareness and encourage individuals to seek help early.
Image by Sean Kong
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