By Sean //
I still remember the fateful day I wanted to commit suicide. Depression, the Black Dog as Winston Churchill once called it, had bitten me. I felt empty, alone and completely hopeless. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt took over. Thoughts such as: “I hate myself”, “I do not deserve to be alive”, “I really, really want to die” were frequent. Eventually, I would learn that I had dysthymia – a mild but chronic depression. The culminative stresses of life led to me wanting to jump off a nearby bridge. Thankfully, I did not.
The few people who found out about my condition would often ask me the same question: “why?”. To be perfectly honest, I do not know myself. However, I think psychiatrist Siow Ann Chong puts it more eloquently in his book Fieldnotes of a Psychiatrist: sometimes it starts “insidiously” and eventually one feels like it takes “overwhelming effort” to go through the “minutiae of daily existence”.
“At 7pm, I will do it. I will die”.
That was the plan.
An unexpected message put a dent in my plans. One of the two girls I met at an internship, which I had just completed a few days ago, said they wanted to meet me to pass me something. This I felt I had nothing to lose by meeting up with her. So I did.
Upon seeing her, the thick fog of despair that had enveloped me began to clear up. It was replaced by a heart filled with immense gratitude. I was given this enormous farewell gift that these two girls got for me: a gigantic Pikachu plushie. I had expressed my love for Pokémon to them during my internship. Never did I think that they would buy something like this for me as a farewell gift. Although this plushie may seem innocuous and unremarkable to others, it was the spirit of this gesture that warmed my heart. At that moment, her look was more luminous than the sun that was beginning to set. It was then that I truly understood these following words that Viktor Frankl wrote in the book Man’s Search for Meaning – the salvation of man is through love and in love.
// This small act of kindness made me determined to fight the battle against depression.//
Dostoevsky said once, “There is only one thing I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings”. I wanted to live my life in a way that was worthy of the pain that I was going through. To that end, I determined to set a few goals for myself:
Firstly, I would seek proper treatment for my condition. I started to visit the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) and also went for counselling sessions with a private psychologist. Such specialised treatment helped me better cope with my condition.
Secondly, I would volunteer more regularly. As Mahatma Gandhi once said: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Indeed, volunteering with various organisations helped me feel a sense of purpose in life. I slowly learnt about the needs of other individuals and felt fulfilled when I was able to do my part in alleviating their struggles somewhat.
Thirdly, I would inculcate routines in my life to better deal with my condition. One exercise that I did was daily affirmations. I would look at myself in the mirror and repeat various positive affirmations about myself. Another exercise I did was called the “gratefulness” exercise. Every morning, I would write down three things that I was grateful for. Gradually, these exercises helped me become more positive.
// I am no longer that same person who wanted to die on that fateful day.//
When I look at myself in my mirror, I see someone who is alive, grateful, and happier. Instead of recurring negative thoughts, I think thoughts such as: “I am so grateful to be alive”, “I am loved and deserving of love.”
Nietzsche once said: “He who has a ‘why’ to live can bear almost any ‘how’.” We all have our own “whys” to live out. The small act of kindness that my friends did for me made me remember that I am loved and deserve love. It made me begin to search for my own meaning to live and to tame the “black dog” of depression. If you are facing your own mental health struggles, do not despair. Even in hell, hope can flourish.
Sean is a youth with a variety of hobbies such as reading, volunteering, going out with his friends and watching anime. He is interested in volunteering within the mental health space and wants to help raise awareness of issues related to mental health.
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