Masculinity and Anxiety

F. Sedek

I remember the first time I scored a try and ran around the field as a rugby player. I was young, wild, and would do anything to prove my strength and manliness. I went to the gym; I had stamina and strength. Everything a young teen wanted in life. I did what I did because it was masculine. I knew these were not impressive and they were nothing to brag about.

But the truth is, it’s not about how many reps I can do, or how big I look to others. It’s about how we try to hide from ourselves. It’s about how we react when we realise that we are not who we are supposed to be in society and try to escape from reality.

It’s about the fact that if I can’t look or act like a man, I cannot feel like one. At least in the narrowly defined definition of how a man is supposed to look and act in society. I exercise because it makes me appear strong. Even if I don’t feel anything like it on the inside, how I act still appears strong to others on the outside.

I can’t define masculinity in a way that resembles a coherent set of sentences. But I know what masculinity is not.

Depression is not masculine.
Feeling like life is pointless and wanting to give up is not masculine.
Having panic attacks is not masculine.
Being scared of society or people around you is not masculine.

A real man shouldn’t get depressed. A real man is supposed to get angry.
A real man feels adrenaline, and would do anything to get things done.
A real man does not get panic attacks. A real man is supposed to fight through anxiety and take control of what he is doing with his life.
A real man shouldn’t be scared of society because he is a leader and takes command. Does a hero have panic attacks? No. He kicks the door, saves the world and gets the girl.

When we view masculinity through this narrow and ignorant lens, having anxiety and depression is exactly what a man shouldn’t have. Anxiety and depression are not things a man would have. Because a man doesn’t need help—he does everything on his own. Being weak is everything a real man shouldn’t be.

I’m only 27, but conversations we now have about mental health were not present when I was younger. When it was mentioned, most of the conversation was ignorant and destructive. I actually used to think that depression wasn’t real. Anxiety was just something one said when they thought too much. There is no reason to stay bed all day—why can’t they just eat something? Just get out of bed and eat something. It’s not that difficult. That is what I always thought. Looking back, it was ignorant. Though things are changing, many girls and boys are still ignorant about depression and other mental health conditions.

This mentality leads to a desperate struggle, to denial and refusal to get help or even tell anyone about what’s going on. Because of the fear that this “isn’t masculine”. And ultimately, a lot of men suffer from pain and internal fear struggling to cope with their own mind and expectations.

The scariest thing isn’t what we’re struggling with. It is what other people will think of us and how they will treat us after knowing what we are struggling with.
The fear of being treated differently.
The fear of not being accepted by society.

Based on how we generally talk about masculinity, the word itself might seem like the equivalent to strength. Being a man and being strong is so aligned that it is impossible to separate the idea of masculinity from strength. But I don’t think it’s just about the words. It is also not how we emphasize physical strength.

The issue is how we define strength.
The issue is what we classify as weak.
The issue is what we do to achieve that definition of strength.
The issue is the fear that comes after when we talk about depression and anxiety.
The issue is that many men do not want to get help because they do not want to admit that they fear of not being masculine by the people around them.
But the issue isn’t masculinity.
The issue is the narrow and ignorant way we define masculinity.

And for many men, anxiety, depression and other mental health conditions are far from how they perceive themselves. To prevent this toxic mentality from pervading our lives, let’s reflect, as a community and society, on what masculinity really is and should be.