By Jacelynn //
I’ve been receiving school counselling since I was in Primary 5. But it was only in October 2015 that I was officially diagnosed by a GP. I was having extreme suicidal thoughts. So extreme to the point that I would become nauseous. I’d run out of the house and kept on running but I couldn’t think of where to go, couldn’t think straight and felt that my end was here. I did cut my wrists at one time… a few scratches.
The GP referred me to IMH where I saw a psychiatrist, and received some medication that helped improve my appetite and my moods. After I was feeling better, my medication was changed to mild sleeping pills. I sought out a therapist and am still undergoing psychotherapy now.
This was what depression was like for me:
14 November 2016. It’s been more than a year since I was diagnosed with depression. This constant negative cycle, the continuous down that just makes you completely tired every single day. Feeling bad, feeling sick, feeling weak, feeling exhausted and having absolutely no drive or motivation.
And yet, you love to stay this way. You have no desire to break out of this cycle. The question you always ask yourself every single second: “Why?”
Your mind is constantly reminding you of the daily stresses of life: career, finances, education, future, relationships with people. And you do know that you have to face them because those are priorities. But no, you are not getting up and you have zero intention to get up. Again, why?
You just love staying in your own comfort zone, you just want to rot your life away, you just want to maintain the status quo. But there is this fear that is constantly nagging at you that people are judging you for it. People are condemning you as a failure because why aren’t you doing what is socially normal? Get a career or get a degree, do what everyone is doing because that is the reality. That is being practical and being practical is the right way.
Is it, really?
Ignore the feelings, forget the pain, fight those fears and still do what everyone else is doing. That is right. That is the correct thing to do. ‘Cause that is considered living while actually dying.
The temporary happiness that you can get now are often the kinds that people around you disapprove of. Partying, drinking. And that is because of the regular “norms” that happen in dark places. But you do know where to draw a line. That is why you always ask your friends to accompany you, so you can keep a lookout for each other.
But the sad thing is that these friends do it begrudgingly; they do not realize a friend needs them deep down. And what is truly saddening is they already know that the friend needs help.
And thank you to those people who asked after you. You know they truly care, they are worried and the thing is… you are too. You’re the person who is having a difficult time and you do not even know what makes you happy anymore so how can you answer the question, “What can I do to make you better?”. Because, sadly, you don’t even know it yourself. So how? You’re so confused, so lost, so depressed, you don’t even know what you want anymore. You don’t even know what you need anymore. You don’t even know what makes you truly happy anymore.
You are still living, but painfully. You’re still searching for the solution to the pain you’re having. When will that day come, you wonder every day.
And you’re afraid that one day might never come.
Today, I am grateful for true friends who stuck by me, who checked on me time after time. I’m also thankful for my boyfriend who has been very patient and supportive of me ever since. But patience does have its limits and he has run out of it occasionally.
I am stronger now. I can block out negative emotions and feelings, and just live day by day.
Jacelynn is currently working. She treasures true friendships and especially likes to gather mutual friends. Her faith in finding genuine relationships is slowly restored despite feeling damaged from within.
Editor’s note: Depression is a complex, and sometimes fatal, mood disorder that requires professional intervention. If you are supporting a friend or loved one with depression, read this first.